doesn't look a thing like jesus

this weekend was my parents' 25th wedding anniversary party (the actual anniversary was in december). a feat, to be sure, and they celebrated by renewing their wedding vows and throwing a party in the church hall. unfortunately, this meant attending mass, which i have not done since the easter of 2002 (and considering i used to go to mass every week, it's been a while).

my family has attended the same parish for years (this is actually the second and third generation of attendees). it was the church i went to all through elementary and secondary schools, and confessed in, and received my baptism, first communion, and confirmation in. and sittting in those pews, i remembered all of the times i had sat there before, and how little everything had changed. i still remembered all of the words to the mass, and st. patrick stood watch over our regular pew, as he always has.

but church had never really meant that much to me. sure, there was the occasional homily that struck a chord, and i would resolve to try harder and live better, but it usually had lost its stick by the end of our pancake brunch an hour later. i had memorized all of the little bits to keep from going absolutely batty. i can remember practicing cursive writing witth my finger on the seat, and imagining i could see the statue of jesus move (a rumour that went around the school). i remember telling myself to suck it up and to keep going because my parents would be disappointed in me if i didn't. i first remember thinking it in grade 8, when we were preparing for confirmation, which i went through with (although i passed out during, so maybe i'm safe).

when i stopped attending mass on my weekends home from university, i overheard my dad blaming it on the fact that i had been seeing an atheist boy, and that i was just lazy and didn't want to get out of bed so early. perhaps that has been my parents' excuse to themselves for the past 2 or 3 years.

so i suppose this weekend was my coming out as a nontheist, as i attended mass because i knew it was important to my parents, and i wanted to see them renew their vows, but i did not participate (in everything but the giving of peace, because that was always my favourite part, and i figured it was secular enough). and i'm sure my great aunts and uncle were pretty disappointed (a nun, ex-nun to become a chaplain, and monsignor, respectively), but i feel much better now. it feels wrong to pay lip service to something you know to be untrue for yourself when it means so much to those you love.

but MAN, mass is creepy. all of the formulaic responses in unison wig me out. and that it's ingrained in my head is REALLY creepy.

amanda