holla

okay guys, i am currently browsing using the firefox theme, pimpzilla. seriously, it is just as awesome as it looks. my blingy browser buttons gleam with every little pass i make over them. you have champagne fur and leopard print, expertly coordinated together.

i think my life is complete, guys.

amanda

cyber ennui

march is a terrible month, filled with terrible essays on terrible subjects. so far this month, i've had to write on spider-man (okay, that was cool), a bunch of dudes who liked rocks way too much for their own good (17 pages later), and how violence is inherent to man (THAT one really made my head hurt). and i have essays on the sound and the fury and the history of paint to keep me warm for the next few nights (for realsies). the history of paint, for christsakes.

strangely though, as i search for any distractions possible, the internet isn't fairly good at giving me the goods. as previously posted, my favourite videoblog ended, and i now i feel a big ze shaped hole in my daily diggs. msn messenger is handy, but no one you REALLY WANT to talk to is ever on when you want them to be on, and for the most part, i talk pretty regularly to the people i talk to anyway. and facebook seems to have lost its unholy power to inspire serious procrastination, because to be perfectly honest, most people are just as boring as i am. some even more so, which is surprising (but really shouldn't be). hell, i even joined a sleezy dating site, not for all of the fine fellers in high supply, but to laugh at the creeps who message you (and trust me, there are a LOT). and it wasn't funny, just mostly depressing about the state of the majority of society cruisin' the singles market. i don't know if i can overstate how appetizing that is. blergh.

i've just realized that i value real world stuff much more than anything the web has given me lately. i like reading books rather than computer screens, like conversation over coffee more than conversation over my wireless router. everything has become so goddamn easy and fingertip accessible that i want it to get a little harder, a little more time consuming, a little more tangible. i don't want to focus on cultivating my cyber persona because the best things about myself don't translate very well into html, and i have a feeling that it will become an increasingly important thing in the future.

doesn't it sick you out that if you meet someone you like, you've either already seen them on facebook or you try to find them immediately afterwards? where's the mystery in that? do people not enjoy slowly getting to know one another anymore? do we really need cheat sheets on our favourite cultural products?

but you need to play the game to be in the game. which fucking sucks.

oh, internet. you strip us down and fill us up in such delightful ways.

amanda

dear lord, consider essay writing pre-internet. pre-computers. scary, isn't it?

little victories

surprise!

i just found out that a poetry website i am affiliated with had picked a poem of mine as the poem of the day back in november!

i'm proud, seeing as the site administrators pick them based on "creativity, imagery, form, and overall impression."

amanda

silence falls upon the duckies in the pond

i love moments when the universe aligns and my classes talk about things my favourite webcomic has talked about the day before.

in other news, i need to find some more daily web distractions, now that my most entertaining daily videoblog, the show with zefrank, has ended. to end the show on such a high note shows such integrity on his part. the world is just a little more awesome for him being a part of it. an example, if you will.

in other other news, FINALLY. INSPIRATION.

and i like like like it.

amanda

tiny little fractures

i don't consider myself to be a particularly difficult person to live with. i make a minimal amount of dishes, try to clean them up relatively quickly, and i try to limit my junk to my room. i pick up things that the house needs (such as soap, toilet paper, etc.), and am generous with food.

usually, when it comes time for a scheduled school break, i am the last person to leave. an unfortunate side effect of being the only person with a job, but i like my house and i like being in it alone. so it isn't the end of the world. but ALWAYS, i am left with a huge stack of someone else's dishes, which i have done dutifully while cursing the day they were born, because if i don't do them, i don't want the scum to develop into a monster and result in thrown out dishes. i have never complained to my roommates about this fact, mostly because i tell myself that it won't happen the next time (silly me).

so i go to windsor and leave some dirty dishes behind. i sincerely apologize for this, because i know from previous experience how it's a pain to do someone else's dishes. but LUCKILY, someone left them for me! isn't that nice!!! i had just gotten in from a long bus ride on a shitty day, worn out from overexertion and a bad sleep, and not only were my dishes there, but some extra ones! someone had done some of the dishes, but had been thoughtful enough to expect that i would be upset if they had done my few plates and forks as well. OH, and whoever had done the dishes in the rack apparently forgot that a little force was need to scrub the pasta off the bottoms of the pots. i was more than happy to do that too.

so THANK YOU, o mysterious dish leaver, thank you. you knew EXACTLY how to make my day.



i am so sick and tired of feeling used.

i am well aware of the fact that i am a generous person. generally, i try to leave that fact unspoken, because it's tacky to mention it. so i will be tacky tonight.
because i am FRUSTRATED.
and not taking it anymore.

so be warned.

amanda

now our time

i have rediscovered my love of the charlie's angels: full throttle soundtrack.

before you judge, trust me, it's awesome.

amanda

doesn't look a thing like jesus

this weekend was my parents' 25th wedding anniversary party (the actual anniversary was in december). a feat, to be sure, and they celebrated by renewing their wedding vows and throwing a party in the church hall. unfortunately, this meant attending mass, which i have not done since the easter of 2002 (and considering i used to go to mass every week, it's been a while).

my family has attended the same parish for years (this is actually the second and third generation of attendees). it was the church i went to all through elementary and secondary schools, and confessed in, and received my baptism, first communion, and confirmation in. and sittting in those pews, i remembered all of the times i had sat there before, and how little everything had changed. i still remembered all of the words to the mass, and st. patrick stood watch over our regular pew, as he always has.

but church had never really meant that much to me. sure, there was the occasional homily that struck a chord, and i would resolve to try harder and live better, but it usually had lost its stick by the end of our pancake brunch an hour later. i had memorized all of the little bits to keep from going absolutely batty. i can remember practicing cursive writing witth my finger on the seat, and imagining i could see the statue of jesus move (a rumour that went around the school). i remember telling myself to suck it up and to keep going because my parents would be disappointed in me if i didn't. i first remember thinking it in grade 8, when we were preparing for confirmation, which i went through with (although i passed out during, so maybe i'm safe).

when i stopped attending mass on my weekends home from university, i overheard my dad blaming it on the fact that i had been seeing an atheist boy, and that i was just lazy and didn't want to get out of bed so early. perhaps that has been my parents' excuse to themselves for the past 2 or 3 years.

so i suppose this weekend was my coming out as a nontheist, as i attended mass because i knew it was important to my parents, and i wanted to see them renew their vows, but i did not participate (in everything but the giving of peace, because that was always my favourite part, and i figured it was secular enough). and i'm sure my great aunts and uncle were pretty disappointed (a nun, ex-nun to become a chaplain, and monsignor, respectively), but i feel much better now. it feels wrong to pay lip service to something you know to be untrue for yourself when it means so much to those you love.

but MAN, mass is creepy. all of the formulaic responses in unison wig me out. and that it's ingrained in my head is REALLY creepy.

amanda